One of those nights.

Quick update: Dayjanae moved to Vegas :'( I cried like a freaking baby. But I hope this distance doesn't do anything to our friendship because we've gone through a lot. & Not only a lot, but some DEEP sh*t.. Okay well, here I go;


It's one of those nights where I am thinking. & I needed to write. It's too much for Twitter. Facebook. & Tumblr, so I had to run back to my good ol' Blogger :) Well something particular in my life hasn't improved. & I know people keep telling me to just keep it pushing & f*ck him, but I can't. Not for Me, but once again.. For my beautiful Son. Jaiden doesn't deserve to be abandoned the way he has been. You can hate me all you want. Cuss me out. Wish death upon me, but when it comes to my Son I will protect him 'till my dying day. It angers me to see how heartless & selfish he can act. F*ck me over. I really don't give a f*ck, but not my Son. My son needs YOU. As much as Jaiden needs me he needs Him. My mother & father split when I was 2 yrs old & I DID see them argue, but when it came to their kids they were there. They put all THEIR problems aside & made sure we knew we had Mommy & Daddy. & That's all I want for my Son. That duo. I'm not gonna lie at times I do get overwhelmed. Being a Mommy is a HUGE responsibility, but it's all worth it. I do have my ME time & go out, but I know I got my Son at home; who comes first. No matter what I do I make sure he is set. I make sure he fine. & NEVER once will I put anyone before Him. No one is worth my time to abandon my Son. NO ONE. I know someday I will date again, but when that day comes the person who wants me will have to understand that my son comes first. & they must respect that; no If's. &'s. Or But's. I went off topic... But I needed to release all this tension.


I still ask myself "How did we get here? Where did I go wrong?", but I've accepted what has happened. Do I wish we were back where we started? Yes. But I know this is where we are at & I am living for the present.



Jaiden & I.

It's raining outside...

I love the rain; listening to it is the best part, but as I sit here & listen to it ALL of the problems I have been avoiding flood in my head. I thought I was over them, but I was wrong. The one good thing about me is not being thrown into some sord of depression, but I am hurting inside. There's so many things going wrong in my Life that as I sit here I don't know how I do it. I am only human. I can only juggle so much. I can only take so much. & this damn Pride doesn't help!

I feel like I am drowning. Drowning in my problems w/ no hand to reach down to save me. I am trying to carry on w/ my life, but from the looks of it nothing has been resolved. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm about to burst. Sad to say, but I have given up on Hope. I see those around me, happy, in love. W/ someone who cherishes & appreciates them. I wish I had that. I'm not a bad person. God knows that. I love deep. I stay committed. I stay faithful & most of all I work for my relationship. & yet I don't understand why am I so alone? Why must I hurt? Why must I be treated like I just don't give a f*ck? I fight. I fight for what is right.

I don't have no bad intentions. & I wish they would just see that. I'm slowly slippin' I need to regain myself. I know I can, but for how long can I? I just want to be healed. I need God's guidance. I just hope he answers me soon... Because I don't know how long I can go on like this.

My definition of a Bestfriend;

Dayjanae Lane... We always ask ourselves this question "How the f*ck did we become friends?" 'till this day we don't know, lol. But we thank 6th period- Mr. Perantonie's class :) Now, before her I had a bestfriend since the 6th grade, but like they say "People come & go" & that girl went. But Daja, my little ol' Daja, has stuck by my side. I've seen her at her worse & I have always made sure I was there to show her. We've seen eachother cry, laugh, wild out & share those fun intoxicated night. The bond we got going on is WILD. You can stick us in a room w/ strangers & we make sure to have our Own Good Time. If you see her, you see me. If you see me, you see her. It's always Us two. No need for a Trio. But... I love this girl w' all my heart. The biggest & most important moment in my Life she shared w/ me; The Labor of My Son. That is something I will forever be Thankful for. Never will I EVER bad mouth this Woman because no matter what happens to us I will always be grateful I had her in my life. While everyone else assumes sh*t about My Girl, I know she is a good person. A person who believes in doing good for other's. A great friend. Mother & Future Wife. I love you Daja. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING; from the Bottom of my Heart. You're my B*tch. My Ride or Die. My Sister :*

Proud Mother.

6 months; the Mid mark for my Son. Today is a VERY important day for me because God has Blessed me & Everyone who loves Jaiden w/ 6 months of Life. Not many parents are fortunate to say their blessing of a baby have made it 6 months into Life, but I can (My Heart goes out to those who have lost their babies.) I am Thankful every morning that the Lord wakes up my Son. I am Thankful for every tear, yell, laugh, fussiness, & love my Son expresses. He is MY WORLD. My Everything. Never have I've felt so much love from one individual. Just speaking about him brings me to tears-- MY SON MEANS MORE THAN ANYTHING TO ME. I have faith that I will raise him the best way I can. When I look at him I see Faith in his eyes. I work. Study. Wake. & Learn for him. I don't regret my Son. He is my boost of confidence. My Little Man. So I thank you God for giving me 6 BEAUTIFUL months of Motherhood & I pray you give Us many more to enjoy... I Love You Jaiden. W/ All my Heart. I love you.

Worn out.

I'm so worn out. Angry. Resentful. Exhausted & just FED UP.

I don't regret ANYTHING I have done, but doing this alone is a handful. But when I look at my son I see Hope. But when I lay my head down & I'm left alone all the hurt & disappointment takes over... Then I'm back to step 1. I just wanna go away at times. Leave everyone behind & get away w/ my Baby. I know all this pain will be useful one day; I just wish that day would hurry up.

Happy 5 Mths to My Beautiful Son.

My eyes are watery & I haven't even started typing anything emotional, but just the thought of My Son's beautiful face brings joy & happiness. I feel so blessed. Untouchable. & Just driven to be the person & Mommy I can be. I LOVE MY SON W/ ALL MY MIGHT. He is smile. My laughter. My buddy. My lover. My partner. My spirit. W/out him I don't know what I would do w/ myself. He has given me STRENGTH. He has kept me busy these past hard 3 months. & He is showing me I deserve better. I can do better. & I need to know better. This love for him will never demolish. I will always be there for my Baby. I will never let him down. I WILL ALWAYS, ALWAYS, be there for him. No mater what or who comes in & out my Life. He is everything I need & want. He is DEVOTION. The only thing on this Earth worth crying over. He's the only person I can depend on. I promise EVERYTHING I do is for you, Jaiden. You have changed me. Made me stronger. & make my days so much better. I can't grasp the words to explain how proud you make me feel. You give me Hope. You give me a meaning to Live. It feels like I just brought you home. Not that long ago was I counting down the days to see your little face. Then that day came & now look at you. 5 months; a Big chubby baby. A happy baby. W/ your 2 teeth. Always smiling. Yelling. & Showing me your skills each & everyday. I love You Son. Always & forever. Through sunshine & rain-- Your Mommy will be there to protect you & love you.

So confused.

Shits crazy. It's like I never mattered & ALL the shit I did & went through because of you. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs, but I find the strength in me to hold my composer. NO BODY knows the pain I am going through. I'd hate to let those around me know what I'm feeling & thinking. I always want to be the brave one. The one that gets over shit so easily, but I'm not. I am only a Human Being & all this shit hurts. I swear I FUCKING hate it, but one day will be MY DAY.

I pray every night that God will see me through this.
I have Faith. But I'm losing energy; I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to take this pain. I just want it to be over already.

Just gonna type...

These past 3 months have been such a roller coaster ride, but it's one of those rides that feels it's never gonna end & at this point I am at the bottom. Don't get me wrong my beautiful son makes my days sooooooo much easier & so much brighter, but I do miss Him. He's the father of my Son & the Man I fell in love with. He's the person I that made me feel wanted after such a long time. He loved me for my being crazy. For being ruthless. Kind. Loving. Control freak. & Drama queen. He Loved Me for Me.

I don't blame everything on Him. I perfectly know I am at fault also. I know my attitude & pride was a problem, but I can't put the words together to explain Why; I just know I have these issues. I have been working on them, BUT FOR MYSELF. I have been working on being a better person for ME. & It's working, I now see things in a whole new prospective.

But what hurts me the most is how in the last 3 months it feels like I've been chasing. Chasing someone who seems to enjoy it. So I stopped, but my mind just keeps going over & over what happened. I see now that Men & Women see things in a whole different light. What we see wrong; Men don't. & I just wish he would understand & consider what I'm saying. I'm a lover at heart. I love with all my might & when I yell & get mad it's because I CARE. I care about your future. I care about your present. I care about you Well Being. & As much as I care it just seems to rub Him the wrong way. But when he tells me he still Loves Me I feel it, but I don't See It.

I HOPE this will improve & it has gone too long. & I can say I can only stick around for so long. I can only take enough & I can only take so much disappointments. For now I will lowkey ride at your side & continue to Do Me & care for Our son. Just know I Do Love You.




Good Night, xoxo.