One of those nights.

Quick update: Dayjanae moved to Vegas :'( I cried like a freaking baby. But I hope this distance doesn't do anything to our friendship because we've gone through a lot. & Not only a lot, but some DEEP sh*t.. Okay well, here I go;


It's one of those nights where I am thinking. & I needed to write. It's too much for Twitter. Facebook. & Tumblr, so I had to run back to my good ol' Blogger :) Well something particular in my life hasn't improved. & I know people keep telling me to just keep it pushing & f*ck him, but I can't. Not for Me, but once again.. For my beautiful Son. Jaiden doesn't deserve to be abandoned the way he has been. You can hate me all you want. Cuss me out. Wish death upon me, but when it comes to my Son I will protect him 'till my dying day. It angers me to see how heartless & selfish he can act. F*ck me over. I really don't give a f*ck, but not my Son. My son needs YOU. As much as Jaiden needs me he needs Him. My mother & father split when I was 2 yrs old & I DID see them argue, but when it came to their kids they were there. They put all THEIR problems aside & made sure we knew we had Mommy & Daddy. & That's all I want for my Son. That duo. I'm not gonna lie at times I do get overwhelmed. Being a Mommy is a HUGE responsibility, but it's all worth it. I do have my ME time & go out, but I know I got my Son at home; who comes first. No matter what I do I make sure he is set. I make sure he fine. & NEVER once will I put anyone before Him. No one is worth my time to abandon my Son. NO ONE. I know someday I will date again, but when that day comes the person who wants me will have to understand that my son comes first. & they must respect that; no If's. &'s. Or But's. I went off topic... But I needed to release all this tension.


I still ask myself "How did we get here? Where did I go wrong?", but I've accepted what has happened. Do I wish we were back where we started? Yes. But I know this is where we are at & I am living for the present.



Jaiden & I.

It's raining outside...

I love the rain; listening to it is the best part, but as I sit here & listen to it ALL of the problems I have been avoiding flood in my head. I thought I was over them, but I was wrong. The one good thing about me is not being thrown into some sord of depression, but I am hurting inside. There's so many things going wrong in my Life that as I sit here I don't know how I do it. I am only human. I can only juggle so much. I can only take so much. & this damn Pride doesn't help!

I feel like I am drowning. Drowning in my problems w/ no hand to reach down to save me. I am trying to carry on w/ my life, but from the looks of it nothing has been resolved. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm about to burst. Sad to say, but I have given up on Hope. I see those around me, happy, in love. W/ someone who cherishes & appreciates them. I wish I had that. I'm not a bad person. God knows that. I love deep. I stay committed. I stay faithful & most of all I work for my relationship. & yet I don't understand why am I so alone? Why must I hurt? Why must I be treated like I just don't give a f*ck? I fight. I fight for what is right.

I don't have no bad intentions. & I wish they would just see that. I'm slowly slippin' I need to regain myself. I know I can, but for how long can I? I just want to be healed. I need God's guidance. I just hope he answers me soon... Because I don't know how long I can go on like this.

My definition of a Bestfriend;

Dayjanae Lane... We always ask ourselves this question "How the f*ck did we become friends?" 'till this day we don't know, lol. But we thank 6th period- Mr. Perantonie's class :) Now, before her I had a bestfriend since the 6th grade, but like they say "People come & go" & that girl went. But Daja, my little ol' Daja, has stuck by my side. I've seen her at her worse & I have always made sure I was there to show her. We've seen eachother cry, laugh, wild out & share those fun intoxicated night. The bond we got going on is WILD. You can stick us in a room w/ strangers & we make sure to have our Own Good Time. If you see her, you see me. If you see me, you see her. It's always Us two. No need for a Trio. But... I love this girl w' all my heart. The biggest & most important moment in my Life she shared w/ me; The Labor of My Son. That is something I will forever be Thankful for. Never will I EVER bad mouth this Woman because no matter what happens to us I will always be grateful I had her in my life. While everyone else assumes sh*t about My Girl, I know she is a good person. A person who believes in doing good for other's. A great friend. Mother & Future Wife. I love you Daja. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING; from the Bottom of my Heart. You're my B*tch. My Ride or Die. My Sister :*