lately .

ahhmm , okay .
lately i've been kinda wooo , emotional . but i guess i just needed to drain all my problems out . i'm the type of female that will keep things bottled in & when i feel overwhelmed i write away ; as you may have noticed :x lmao . but other than my love life being shitty . MY LIFE IS WONDERFUL . i got an understanding loving daddy . my bestfriends bring tear to my eyes . my main daja is expecting her first baby boy , & my brothers are amazing . i am struggling w. finding a job , but for the time i am enjoying my free time(: whippin . never home . & just occupying my head w. other activities . so life is great .



didn't want people reading this think i'm suicidal . ahaha , cause i'm not .
i am just a fierce lover & when i get hurt i take it to the heart . welp that's about it for me ... so i'll blog later . toodles !




ps ; & is it only me or did they take off the edits on the top bar to make youre writting bigger , smaller , different colors & ish ?

i'm lost .

i don't know where i'm headed .
in life . love . & within me .
i've never been so ruthless .
so uncaring . so d e a d .

i've cried . i've hurt .
but now i'm emotionless .

done w. the pain .
i'm pass my fears .
not afraid of death .
not afraid of what may happen to me .

it's just that i've given so much ;
& in return didn't get anything .
it fucking killed me inside .
it broke me . it changed me .
for the worst .

i got a short temper . evil inside .
who have i've become ? me ? or the result
of so many dissapointments .
of this thing called LIFE .

life lessons my ass .

i remember .

" i remember when i said i hated you , but deep inside still loving you . sad & lonely "

i remember those days , when i would look forward to hearing from you . the butterflies you would give me . just the thought of having someone like you LIKE me . the thought & believing you was mine . it's so hard to explain the affection & deep deep love i have for you . it was lust . admiration . passion . fierce fiening for you . your voice . your lips . YOU . i wanted you for you . not the looks . not the "swag" , but for the man i met . many people only saw the outside shell . your looks , but i knew your heart . your deep thoughts . you as a whole . the man i wanted to be with . even though you was miles away , my heart was yours . to love . to keep . till now it's hard for me to think back & compare us to what we once were . HAPPY . we went wrong . we fell out . we attempted , but failed . but for some reason i find myself in love with you , the same or more since day one . because i know what we've became was because of unfaithfulness . childhood games . i would like to turn the hands of time , & just let all of this out . maybe , just maybe it would had changed our future . even so , you still make me smile . our memories . our moments . because i know it was love . even with all the fucked up shit we did to each other , & the pain you put me through I STILL LOVE YOU . because i know it isn't you & if i'm wrong , i'm wrong . i sometimes find myself crying , wanting to be the one that could change your whole prospective on life & love , but being your friend didn't work either . it made my situation worse . now i'm empty . lonely . reminiscing . you made me happy ; no doubt about it . so i'll just remember ...

ps ; you'll probably never read this ,

but this is my escape .

i miss you , us .

ouch !

my heart aches .
a part of me will always fiend
for him . no matter how
close or far we are .
because ;
I DID LOVE HIM .

god forgive me .

i'm dead to my feelings . dead to the person who i was before . before all the heart breaks , lies , put downs , hopeless inspirations of loving . i'm so good at being bad , & bad at being good . even when it's supposed to hurt it feels good . when i'm supposed to cry ; i laugh . when i'm supposed to fall on my knees ; i'm up , head high w. my middle finger up . so tell me , who could break a bitch like me ? no one . because i came into this earth alone & i'm gonna leave it the way i came in .

mixed emotions .

i've always had this pride & i dont give a fuck attitude which really back fires on me , sometimes . i was sitting there last night & he came to mind . it was this empty feeling i had in the pit of my stomach . i missed him . i needed him . i fiend for him . it had been a while since i felt like this so i tried to brush it off , but the thoughts of not being about him anymore still clinged to my thoughts . all i could think was ; 10 months . 10 months of my dedication to him . 10 months of unconditional love . 10 monts of heartbreaking moments , but still that burning love & hope in us . things change . situations change . people change . the love fades away . it wasn't forced , but a slow process . i believed i was falling out of love w. him , but it was anger . a grudge towards all the fucked up things i went through because of him . & then i found myself doing the same thing i critized him on . unfaithfulness . it was a descion i made w. out a knowledgeable reason , but i take full responsibilty for . i loved him . i love him ? i've tried to move on . i've tried to forget what we had , but i feel in love w. the man i met ; not the man he's becomed .

bestfriend . sisters .

EST . 2001

she's more than i could have asked for , or imagined in a bestfriend . she's been there for me through thick & thin . laughters & tears . highs & lows . & heartbreaks . she understands me in another level where i don't got to explain myself because she know what i'm talking about . a frienship like ours can't be compared or outdone . 7yrs in the making . what can you expect ? a true friendship . a bond . w. out her i wouldnt know how to handle my troubles & turbulence of life . i would like to thank you . even those words can't explain the gratitude & admiration i have for you . i love you jasmin . my other half . my partner in crime .

"FUCK ALL YOU HOES ; GET A GRIP MUTHAFUCKA"

life & death .

"life and death , energy and peace . if i stop today it was still worth it . even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if i could . the pains that have burned me and scarred my soul , it was worth it , for having been allowed to walk where i've walked , which was to hell on earth , heaven on earth , back again , into , under , far in between , through it, and above . - gia .

New .

Hm , i'm new . wow . i guess you could say i am a blogger . i got a myspace . a facebook . & now this(: but i am a social butterfly so what can you expect . hm , ain't got much to say . today is cloudy . i love these kinda days , but then again i regret not going to the wedding w. jasmin :/ a big tole on my day now . i miss her ditzy self cause she's always confusing her words or just no making any sense . but that's my bestfriend & I LOVE HER.
xoxo , bella .