Working on New Years Eve,
but it's better than being home or functioning.

tryna keep my mind busy.
idont wanna think 'bout it.

slowly, but surely i'll be fine.

NO DOUBT 'BOUT IT, but as of
now iam taking it one day at a time.

ijust wish the healing process could
be a little faster -_-




well iam back to work.



H A P P Y N E W Y E A R S everyone.

You Made a Fool of Me ,

& here we go again. here goes my life story; same repetition.

even though icry. it's because it hurts. because icare. ilove you. & ifell for false ambitions, but iwill tell myself IAM STRONG. iwill keep my heart. close my eyes & know itried. istayed faithful. devoted. honest. pure. & every time ifeel like iam going down iam going to read this. I AM A WOMAN OF HEART. I AM A WOMAN OF LOVE. & A WOMAN OF THE TRUTH. iWILL keep my head high. iWILL have Faith in me & my heart. & Keep MYSELF strong because iam only hurting myself & iWill write my heart away because ain't no one on this Earth that will understand me, but this Blog & my Mind.



STAYING STRONG.

Positive.

& Willing to be me once again.


Joanna, This isn't the End of You

ps:

G I A N N I where are you? :/

i havent heard from you.
icall you; no answer.
itext you; no answer.
you got no aim.
myspace.
you havent updated your Twitter.
& you not on here.

SO WHERE ARE YOU?

on some true shit imiss you.
& iam HIGHkey worried now cause
idont know if you just went MIA
on me or people. or what; so ihope
you're doing fine w' you & your
mommy & gpa :'(

6 Months Shy from Turning 20

- my heart just dropped to my stomach.
i'ma be 20 : / fucckk no more "teens"

WTF! i'ma be TWENTY!!

These Made MY Day ,

Babe met the Family yesterday. Except, my Ruthless ass Dad, haha' he wasn't home. Black Friday w' him & my bro was tiring, but worth the lines & 6 hour shopping madness.

but since iwasn't able to say what iwas Grateful yesterday, here it goes;

- iam Grateful for my mom & dad. for being healthy & alive. for putting up w'
my shit at times. & espcially, my dad for never giving up on me & ALWAYS
finding himself at my side & understanding me when ifeel like iam lost & alone.
- for my 3 brothers who make my life so much funner. for being the 3 brother
everyone envies, lol. because they are Everything put into one & Everything ilove
to hate at times. for making me into this cold-hearted, sarcastic, & open eyed Woman.
- for my Loved One's aka "Friends"; Daja, Jasmin, Daniel, Daeon, Tashee, Raquel,
Shard, William, Westley, Carrington, Anthony, Darrick, Jaysun, Murss & for my Cute
Babies; Cami Bell, Kiely, & Jayshon. also, Jabari & Anthony. my heart goes to them &
their Family for not being able to spend yesterday w' their family, but soon they'll
be walking Free. & lastly, to the one's who have passed on. Steven imiss you each &
every FUCKING day. this is something iwill never let go of. Tj it's been 2 years now
since you left me, but you're still my baby & forever will i be at your side. Heaven
& Earth. for being there for me w' words or just their presence.
No Other's Can Top Them<3
- also for my Family who have seen me grow these past 19 years.
- & lastly God. he has givin me 19 years on this Earth & continues to Bless me.
for giving the people around me & me, also, good health.


Hope Everyone enjoyed their day.
isure did :)

Love Until We Bleed ,

addicted ALL over again to her CD; iswear her music so "aaahhh"

Justin Lawrence Banks ,

you're my boyfriend. my bestfriend. my enemy.
ilove you for who you & who've you stayed as.
ilove you for the smiles & laughters you put
on my face. for the confusion & memories you
leave me once igo home. ilove you for the man
you've proved yourself to me- not w' words or
promises, but w' actions & feelings. baby, ilove
how you make me feel. free-spirited. care-free.
passionate. hopeful & semi complete because ifound
the woman who was missing out on loving once again.
a woman afraid to love, but now isee iam on this
Earth to feel pain. feel love. see change & see life.
as life was intended to live; passionately loving.
thank you daddy, for opening my eyes & opening my
heart once again. for being the one to show me all
that iwas missing out because of my insecurities.
loving isn't easy, but loving you & being loved by
you makes it all worth the while. even when we don't
see eye to eye & disagree iknow you the one iwant to
be mad at. the one i cuss the fk out. the one iwant to
just rib the hell out of because you know me to well.
so all the anger is worth it at the end. iget to have
your kisses. your eyes. your lips. your touch.your hugs.
my favorite smell you leave behind. & your heart. it's
ALL mine & iam all your's . . . DEV103109TED to you :-*

ps: iadmire you for waiting on me for almost 3 months :x
iwas just afraid of not being a good girlfriend.



X.XXI.IX

“Music is Yoga to my Mind” -me

iam super irritated to the point where ijust wanna cry;

idispise how ignorant people can be; Especially the WHITE RACE. iwas googling Jabari's court updates & they had his court matters & news report on some website called Topix.com so as iam reading all these ignorant cunts are talking 'bout " ya'll should hang them " .. " look at their names you dont have to guess wah race they are " .. all kinds of racist shit. & that hit a nerve! because iam someone who doesnt watch the news or reads the newspaper. idont believe in the goverment because in this world the only thing that shines is the Negativity. so for some fuckin low lives, non working, computer screen junkies to comment on a issue that doesn't concern them is pathetic. it's not 'bout the race or area all this happened. SHIT HAPPENS everywhere; from the smallest town to the biggest & most populated cities, SHIT HAPPENS. ihope people really do start educating themselves, but away from classroom books & internet postings.


& it's still.. FREE JABARI!

ihaven't wrote in a minute.. life has been so hextic for the past month or so;

full of ups & downs. full of laughters & stressful moments- imiss the fuck out of Jabari, but iam going to prove to him iam his ride or die. god knows he means a lot to me & iam gonna be here for him every step of the way. no matter if it takes months to see him walk free, iam here for him. work is stressing w' working soo many hours & tryna make time for me :/ & yess! Steven is still on my mind & heart heavily. but iam trying to ride all this out. iam staying positive & iwill continue to keep my head high. i'll try to write more often, promise :-*

ps: GIANNI, where are you? :'(
imiss you & ihope you're doing fine.


Freeeeee Jabari.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”

today was a good day;

got my sk O9 on a vey low price. pre-season for the Lakers started off good. the Dodgers are winning :) & i didnt catch an attitude w. my momma when she started being herself :x haha' uhh life is going smooth. got friends. family. & me. cant ask for anything as this point. the only think that is killing me inside & brings me to tears is thinking bout Steven. like i said it has been 4 months, but i cant seem to get a grip of myself. i keep thinking of the days we spent. ditching. laughing. partying. & just being young. i think thats why it hurts so much because he was young. full of life. & just happy. as i sit here i remember sitting in the back of the church looking at his coffin. never imagining myself sitting as his funeral. i remember walking by him & touching his coffin. that was the hardest thing i ever had to do. say Good Bye. to sit there & know he was in there. ready to be put to rest. walking to his coffin at his resting ground. kissing & leaving a picture we had took together. leaving a rose. & telling him i love yu. ive never cried so much in my life. watching them lower him. & then walking away. while he stood behind. this pain hasnt gone away. it hasnt got easier. each & ever day i think of him, i cry. i choke. Steven, i know i got the strength in me. someday i'll find it, but till then i will just live w. this pain. but one thing that will never change is my visits on sundays or any day & watching the sunset w. yu. rubbing the grass that covers yu. telling yu how much i miss & love yu. yu will always remain in my heart. mind. body. soul. & prayers. i love yu & i will never stop saying it.

my heart can't stop aching. this pain is brand new.

the same pain i felt the day i found out yu was gone is the same pain i am feeling 4 months later. Steven, i just miss yu soo bad. i dont know why i cant find the strength in me to accept & be strong. i love yu so much & i always repeat that when i speak of yu because it's deep rooted love. & i ask God " why yu. why him? "; but it's something that will never be answered. but i swear to yu FOREVER will i cry for yu. FOREVER will this pain be here. & FOREVER will i love yu & miss yu w. all the will power, from the bottom of my heart. Rest in Peace Baby & send me the strength i need because yu & God know how tough it is thinking 'bout yu & not crying. . .

my main bitch. my ride OR die for "life". my bestfriend. my sister. my bad influence. i love this girl w. all my heart :] & i swear wah we have been through couldnt have happened to TWO strong, outrageous, wild woman. Ly Daja & also my godson Jayshon :-*

Thank Yu Jesus


soo, i couldn't be any happier or thankful for the things i am accomplishing. ive been giving a chance to work 2 jobs :D ( more $$$ ), ive been reuniting w. the best RIDE OR DIE daja, & i am content where i am now. i know i always say that, but when yu're in wah i am; yu'll be happy & vibrant EVERYDAY yu wake up. i swear i miss my bro Shard so much, but he's doing big things. &lowkey i am still struggling w. the loss of my Angel, but he & God knows i am keeping him strong in my life<3


havent written in a few weeks because i've been busy,
but ill be making more time- PROMISE. 'till then . . .

Light a candle,
see it glow,
watch it dance,
when you feel low,
think of me,
think of light,
I'll always be here,
day or night,
a candle flickers,
out of sight,
but in your heart,
I still burn bright,
think not of sadness,
that I'm not near,
think of gladness,
and joyous cheer,
I have not left,
I am not gone,
I'm here to stay
my little one,
so when you light a candle
and you see it glow
and you watch it dance
in your heart you'll know
that I would never leave you
even when you feel so blue
I'm sitting up here with the Lord
and now watching over you .

Rest in Peace Steven
i'm sitting here thinking of yu. & i miss yu deeply; we've payed yu 2 visist at yur resting ground & i'm looking forward to many more. most of the time i sit there & rub the grass that covers yu. i remind yu on how much i love & miss yu because my heart still aches for yu. this pain will never die, but i will just learn to live w. it.

Just Thinking...

i'm just thinking; widly. i'm thinking 'bout wah i have been doing & wah i have been up to these past few months & i am happy to say that i am way better person than who i was before. i've matured so much. & i've become stronger than a rock. i'm still human & i dont doubt i'll always handle situations perfectly, but i will try my hardest to handle them to my upmost ability. i got my family. my friends. associates. i've lost some people in the process. i've gotten my heart hurt, but my soul is still as pure as if i was never hurt before. my mind is solid. & my thoughts are deep. i'm Striving for life. love. success. luxury. happiness. & God.



i am a better person. i cant be broken. i cant tainted. This is Who I Am & Will Continue to Be. for my own good. fck wah yu think. wah yu got to say. i got Pride & i'm not giving in to anything or anyone. i'm coming first in My Life & everyone else can just fall in place. whether yu understand me or not, i'm not complicated. yu're just 2 steps behind.



" yu can plan a perfect picnic, but yu cant predict the wheather. "

Hangover :x

haha' so last night was yeaa a night i wont be able to forget. i was sooo loaded; thanks to Jasmin :p but i love yu Bestfriend. & well today is my daddy's birthday & i am waiting for him to come home but i am thankful God has given him another year at life & another year w. me because if it wasnt for him i dont know where i would be now. i love him w. all my heart & he's everything to me. i love yu dad<3

bestfriends. (:



iLher<3

Dodger Day (:

we lost by 1 on the top of the 11th inning. but i was sure as happy cause i saw my gorgious player Loney (: & kemp. & manny. i'ma attend more games cause they're hella fun. & i had fun w. my bro$.

LMAO! these are funny.

this album goes hard.
especially " the panties " due to someone & " the beggar ". it's a goose bump album.

awwwwwwww, i remember when i used to know this human being. we were so close. we fought. cussed each other out. bossed each other around. pushed. shoved. hit. poked. pinched. slapped. lmaooo, pretty much every evil thing yu can imagine; we have done for one another. then one day, POOF! he went. no where to be found. no text. voice message. he was MIA- the person i talked to all day long was gone. the person who's mommy loved me sooo much & took my side was gone. then one day guess who comes back w. a damn " hey " text message? G I A N N I. the same person who strolled in my life, strolled out, & back in. but it's who he is; a heartless. no emotion typa guy. but it's Gianni & i'm grateful i got this wierd. tall. always laughing at wah i say type of person- a muthafkn G Gianni... NOT! ahaha yu thought, i'm still the damn boss.

damn !

gianni, wished he had skills like this.
join my one month camp to have skills like
this for only $343545434534.OO (: ahah.

Kevin Hart<3

too funny.

Chris Tucker<3

omg these videos got me dying.

the love of my life. my pride. joy. the reason i strive. the reason i stick around. the reason i smile. the reason i'm GONNA be someone. i still remember the day our mom told us she was pregnant- i was the ONLY one happy. while yur brother's were upset. upset she was pregnant by yur father, but deep down inside there was a chance. i went to EVERY doctor appointment. i was there the day we found out yur gender. the night's yu kept mom awake w. yur kicking. lol, i remember i'd sit w. mom & feel her belly waiting for yu to move. i am yur older & only sister, but i was acting like i was yur mommy/daddy. then the day came where mom went to labor.. i was there. i stayed at her side because i love her & because i was proud she was giving birth to yu. back then i didnt know how big of an impact yu were gonna be, but now i see. i cut yur cord. i seen yu get cleaned up. & i stood at yur side in yur craddle. forgetting everyone around me. i cryed because a gush of emotions took over me. i never felt soo much love for someone. it was deep rooted love. as we brought yu home i was self fish. i wanted to hold yu all the time. i'd rock yu. sing to yu. & just be there for yu. i'd hurry home after school just to see yu. yu mattered more than anything. as the months went by yu grew older & the love grew w. yu. mornings where i had school yu'd wake up & i'd make time to make yu yur bottle & hold yu befor i went off. days passed. months & i remember EVERY single memory. when mom wasnt there i made sure i was because i just wanted to give yu unconditional love. love i lacked because mom was a young single mother of 3. Denis, yu will always be my one & only love. i know i'm yur sister & a times i might not act the nicest when yu act bad, but i always make sure i let yu know i love yu. i tell yu. i show yu. yu're my baby. my hope. my EVERYTHING. & i hope one day i can tell yu all that yu mean to me. as of now yu're still a baby in my eyes & i will always be there to keep yu safe. to hold yu. spoil yu. talk to yu. no matter how much older yu get yu will always be my little papa<3

i miss Gianni ):

i'm baccccccccccccccckkk :)


& i'm feeling GREAT. i was gone cause my computer was jacked up. but fast updates i was in Vegas this past weekend; seen alot of sexies. seen we$, darrick, & avery. i missed avery so much, but he's married to a girl he would say he didnt like KNOWING we knew he did. i've been shopping alot. & spending time w. RASHARD since he's bout to leave. uhmm, alot has gone on i cant really remember everything in sequence. sooo, life is good. i'm happy. i'm content. & i cant complain.

i'll write more once i get settled & back to everyone on myspace & this blogspot.



ps: i'm changing my song on this page FINALLY!
i've moved on & i'm not going back there. :p



_ joanna.

Happy 4th of July.

Happy 4th of July! (:
i'm w. the family today.
it's sooo hot outside & i was
swimming for a while, but i dont
wanna get any darker :x ahah.
uhh, shard got all kinds of illegal
fireworks- i hope he doesnt blow
his damn face off. & the food is
so BOMB; i got to really stop eating.
& i got a nutricionast, Gianni, telling
me i needa lose my love handles.
so i got to do 10 sit ups EVERYDAY.
soooo, today shall be a good day.



on another note, I AM CONTENT. saying " good bye, see yu later " to Steven was sooo hard, but i understand he's in a better place now. i cried my eyes out on Thursday, but i am happy i can go to sleep now w.out thinking " why him? " it was still the hardest thing i had to do, but i will FOREVER love him. & i will never forget him; he meant alot to me & someone like him is the kinda of people that yu're thankful they made a impact in yur life. & he did have a big impact- always be JOYFUL. after the rain the sun will come out & i am living to see those days. so in memory of yu Steven; i will LIVE my life like if it's my last. i love yu so much & yu are in my heart forever.

+ “ We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves. ”

+ “There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.”

+ " All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. "

+ " Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. "

+ " Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. "

+ " You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. "


living by these help; i'm taking them into deep thought & changing my life around- for me. i wanna be happy, i wanna be content. i am CONTENT w. wah i have in my life. friends. family. & so-so's. i know wah is a necessity & wah i just want; i can differ them both. i'm just NOT content w. wah i am doing as far as how i am taking some situations. i am thinking too hard which is a bad habit. i'ma just make the best out of situations & if they dont end up the way i wanted them to end then it wasnt meant to be :) easy as that, but easier said then done.

How many times did I fall for your lies.
How many times did I sit home and cry.
Never questioning why? why? why? why?
It just came to me.
Like an epiphany.
How about I just leave.
So I think I'm just about over being your girlfriend.
I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
No more wonderin what you've been doin.
Where you been sleeping.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.

my song<3

i cant stop thinking of yu Steven.
i cant eat or sleep; i just keep asking myself " why. why yu? "
i believe God had a plan for yu. i just cant accept the truth yu're gone. so unexpected, but LIFE is unexpected. i cant stress the fact i am missing yu deeply & i love yu w. all my heart & soul. i hope tonight will be easier, but if its not know that i will be strong soon or later. i just keep thinking 'bout yur smile. yu're loud laughter during lunch. just all the memories we made in High School are overwhelming me. i wish it wasnt yu; i just wish it wasnt yu, but yu're resting now. up above looking down. i keep looking at the pictures & just remembering. remincing. i will be visiting yur crash site tomorrow & i am hoping i feel yur prescense there. if not i will see yu in my dreams. i love yu! i miss yu. rest in peace Domemaster.

LIFE.

life comes at yu quick; either yu roll w. the punches or lay down & die.

as for Steven he rolled w. the punches, but LIFE had something else planned out for him. i'm sitting here still thinking deep w.in asking myself " why him? why Steven ".
i knew him since my freshman year & he was always someone who was in a good mood. he gave the most warmest & tightest hugs & always had a smile on his face. as i sit here i can hear his laughter during lunch; i'ma miss yu. i still havent grasped the fact yu're gone. my heart is in my stomach- tossing & turning. i want to cry, but i still cant believe yu're gone. we shared so many good memories & we shared the same birthday. yu were someone i could have depended on. even after i left yu still kept in touch w. me. & back in HS we always managed to be badd. i still remember the day we went to Mcdonald's & we came up w. our nick name " domemaster ". i love yu babyboy & i will never ever forget yu. yu are ingraved in my heart. rest in eternal peace; we'll meet again, i promise yu.

REST IN PEACE STEVEN.
sunrose: june 11,1990 .. sunset: june 24,2009

i'm blown. 8)

so this is wah i am thinking about;
so why is it that niggas can play mind games & then when a female
joins it's all wrong & slutty & or should i say " Vixen " like?

my opinion is that when a niggas finds out he's been played, all the
name calling & bashing on the female is just a front cause DEEP down
inside his feelings are hurt.
" don't do shit that yu wouldnt like people to do to yu " ; sounds right?
i dont know but yu know wah i mean.
i BELIEVE all the good & descent & warmn loving females have been fcked
over by a nigga & thats why there isnt no more faithful chicks.
speaking for all WOMEN -- when we give our heart out. put our walls down.
& let a nigga into out mind, body, & soul to only get gamed up that's wah
makes us not believe niggas, doubt a nigga, & just despise niggas.

we've all heard the same line over & over again ..
" dont call me a nigga; i'm not like them other dudes yu fked w. i'm different "
sweeties, we heard that & at the end of the day yu prove us right.
YU ARE ALL THE FUCKING SAME.
now i'm not trying to bash; i love MEN. & i respect a MAN who is up for his own.
but now a days niggas aint w. it. they too worried w. how they look. who they fk w.
who they know. & how they function that they forget life isnt about the artificial
shit that is here today & gone tomorrow.
a sexy MAN & someone who will make a WOMAN's heart melt is someone who has their own.
own car. own money. own asperation, dreams, goals. & are themselves.

on the other hand same goes for niggas.
a badd bitch fked yu over & that's why yu mess w. females emotions.
but at the same time yu might be talking to the wrong female.
set yur goals higher. raise yur standards; not to some artificial shit, but to
a WOMAN yu can give yur heart to & get the same in return.
lose the 90834903275893745 rebounds. yu're only giving yurself a bad name because
the grown WOMAN are looking at yu like a " fool " even though deep inside that's
not who yu are.

" actions speak louder than words "

always remember -- never take someelse's mistake on someone else because
yu might just lose someone who was worh the wild.
TRUST & BELIEVE a little bit of love & devotiona can go a looooooonggg way.
just set yur mind & heart to it. GROW UP. open yur eyes to new ideas.
yu might hurt along the way, but it will only make yur stronger & wiser.

i hope ONE day i can find that someone.
who will understand & just be devoted, but as of now i'm single.
not tryna fk w. no one. see no one. date no one. or lead no one one.
I AM DOING ME; FOR ME.


sheessh, i wrote a lot.
but ive always carried this in my head.
& now that i'm on Cloud 9 w. this kush all this is coming out.
r a n d o m n e s s :)

lmaoooooo.

i cant even describe this video; speechless. :x

sooooooo, lately ive been kinda down. i'm not tryna let everyone know cause to most i appear well, but little things trigger it. w. Davey still in the hospital & now the loss Daniel is going through hurts me. hurts because i love them & hurts because i feel i cant do nothing. of course i am there for them physically & mentally, but i cant do nothing but leave it to God. God knows i'm praying for them & i will always remain at their side; forever & a life time. . .


on a side note; i'm still remincing- i'm realizing even though i say i'm fine & i'm strong there's that part of me that hasnt changed. the part where i give a fck; not to wah people say, but to wah we had. every relationship starts off w. friendship & that's wah i miss .. is the FRIENDSHIP we had. falling out of love isnt easy. especially when it's a short period of time. long time love can be easier, but when it's that fierce love that just begun it's really hard to completly let go. i'm having troubles. i'm not thinking about it as much, but I AM thinking 'bout it. especially at night; where yur mind is at ease & open to reminice on wah yu've done. said. caused. had. the pain isnt as painful, but i do feel empty. that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach; where nothing seems to fullfill it. at the same time i feel stupid. stupid for not letting go. stupid for having these feelings even though i hurt. but i am human & wah EVERYTHING i do i do it w. devotion. i'm not HEARTLESS. i'm not evil. i'm not about games & revenge.i'm true to wah i say & do. & no one will ever take that pride from me. i know wah i need & i wont settle for less- soon i'll be satisfied. & alllll these crazy emotions will dissapear & i will look back & know wah i went through was worth every tear.

the MOST important person, Daniel. blood wouldn't make us any closer & fk wah others say. i've been close to him since the 6th grade & ever since then i can't ask for a better cousin. today is a hard day for yu & i feel yur pain; losing someone will never be a easy process but w. love & support it can ease the pain. & I AM HERE FOR YU. whenever. where ever. ANYTIME. i will forever put yu before anyone else because yu've always had my back. even when i'm not there; it trips me out on how yu will speak up on my behalf. & the same ive done for yu. together we are badd af, but it's who we are. Daniel, i love yu cuzzo w. all my heart. & dont ever forget that i am here for yu. be strong.


REST IN PEACE UNCLE MARIO
yu will be missed.

too on. :p

bomb ass weekend.
- thursday: my 9teen birthday { BJ's w. friends/Laker win & Club Element & Pulse }
- friday: shard's grad party.
- saturdsay: DockWeiler w. my Vixens & drunkin night.
- sunday: shopping :D & Laker won Finals. { parade this week! }

i'm so grateful at where i am in life right now. i can't ask for more & i can't be living so negative. i am content once again.

happy birthday to me! (:

first off let me thank EVERYONE for the birthday wishes, texts, aims, icons, away, calls, & surprise visits.

i'ma try to name all of yu cause it's very touching, mk here we go;
- my bestfriend jasmin. my mamas daja. marissa. daedae. we$. ant ant. will. junior. wifey. brothers. liddo big brother deejay. christopher. sweetie christopher. GIANNI! amanda. bethel. terrell. prince. sis tashee. baby momma raquel. sis karen. darrick. twin b. xavier. omg JUSTIN! sis yikes. jorge. ben-j. bestfriend. bestfriend #2. RASHARD! twone. annoymous aim. vanessa. benny. anna-marie. MYSPACE USERS. dorian. rayahna & thats it for now ... { i think }

ahaha, it's only 1:O9 & thats how many people. i believe ive missed some, but some of the away almost made me cry like- sweetie christopher. & my sis tashee. & my bestfriends jasmin & daja. ughh! i didnt think i would be so emotional but i am. words cant express the love i am feeling. & for the funny aways like ant ant .. " birthday sex " .. lol who knows? & a long talk w. my fav he knows how it feels to be from bad relationships. ahaha, sooo off topic. but tonight is bound to be fun. getting alot of people saying they're going so let's see. well i'm gone for now; THANK YU EVERYONE :-*



birthday girL

one more day! okay, so i'm really feeling it now. i'ma be 9teen tomorrow; just last yr i was turning 8teen. last year of being a teen :/. smh, but i got everything set. from the dinner party. to the special invite at Club Pulse. & after party at a hotel we rented out. i'm really excited. today i'm going shopping w. my moms- she's being such a nicey. ahaha, but our relationship is improving. i dont want to back track so i'm improving my badd attitude & smart mouth. i'ma be older & hopefully a year wiser. lmao, sounds cheesy but i do hope things improvre w. myself. besides the point, tomorrow should pop. :D

2 more days. (:


i'm getting teary eyed cause i HONESTLY dont want to turn 9teen. i'm getting older & shit, that's a scary thing. but! i'ma live it up on thursday. got lots of people rsvp'ing for the dinner party. Laker game is on that day also so it'll be a good day for all of us.


but before i sign off i want to give the BIGGEST thanks to 3 people that have been there for me lately; my bestfriend jasmin. justin. & gianni. i would had never thought justin & gianni would give a damn bout my shitty break-up, but theyve showed me other wise. i am soooo thankful { i get emotionals just thinking bou it }; only because words can't express the gratitude. & as far as my bestfriend- i love her w. all my heart. never once did she tell me " i told yu so " or put the blame on " him ". & w. all the support & both side of the relationship advice helped. i know i'm at blame for some. as much as i thought i was doing nothing wrong, i was to blame for the breakup. i guess our relationship wasn't strong enought. & i cant say i was perfect, but hopefully ill improve the miss-haps. so i think i'm slowly recovering- i cant lie i do think bout it & miss " him ". but its so much easier now; a huge relief.


blah blah blah, ahaha.
i'm gone. Laker gamee!

late night.

i'm bumpinn the fk outta " right side of ya brain " right now.

heavy thinking . . .


i was tryna sleep, but i just had to write. there's alot on my mind, lowkey. & these past few weeks have been a badd to a good life lesson. i'm learning & i'm maturing. there's many things ive taken in. & even though at the moment i was crying my eyes out; i see now i'm strong. i can't say never again, but next time i'll be stronger. wiser. & i will carry that " idgaf " attitude. just to the extreme, but to a point where i won't be fkd over. i understand i'ma natural born lover, but someday i'll be happy w. someone. as for now i guess i'm just meant to be living the single life. i've learned something & i'm trying to move on w. a smile. a loss is a loss, but i gained alot.


side notee-- this weekend was { wow! }, ahaha. my main leina got it going. she's back from new jersey & celebrating shard's graduation. as wells as, michaels. juanita. aj. & demontre's. friday was our chill day; never again am i seeing ' drag me to hell ' .. it's nasty! omg, i was dying on how niyi was clinching & gagging. saturday is unforgetable! i was gonnnnneeeeeeeeee. ahaha, mike's graduation was the business. i was feeling like i was on jordan & miller's tip. Vixen after party was good also. didn't blow { i'm not into that no more. :/ } & the Laker game at Dave & Busters was good. tomorrow is the last day of Fall session. i'm happy, but lazy to wake up earlier to be at finals at 73O. my birthday is in 3 days :D i'm sooo excited. still planning it out, so let's see how it goes.


but i'm doing a special SPECIAL birthday shout out to my honey Justin.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTIN CHARLES GONZALEZ
a negro w. a messican last name. ahaha, so we are the same age. & yu think yu can boss me around, but it aint happening. i want to thank yu from the bottom of my heart ceecee. i love yu so much for everything yuve done for me; for listening to my tears. & giving me the best advice ever. i know i was a big baby the past few weeks, but i'm strong now. & yu dont know wah yur presence means to me. thank yu thank yu thank yu! i love yu w. all my heart & hope yu get sauced up tonight. live it up babe; god bless.



good night blog.
hopefully, tomorrow is another
step on forgetting & forgiving. :-*

blehhh, off some new stuff. :p


anyways,
9teen BIRTHDAY this thursday.
& club pulse has asked for it to throw
me a party.(: i'm excited.

i'm inviting everyone & their mother.
i'ma do it BIG this time around.

i had a volleyball game today also.
spiked 3. scored once.


school is over on monday.
but i'm back on the 22nd.



tonight is the Vixen party.
along w. mike's graduation.


michael, yu're done w. weak ike.
ahaha & now yu going to MTSAC. uuggghhh!
i'ma have to see yu there.

" err day " lol, ily bro. congrats hun.<3

& i'm gonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
tight end night. :x

birthday in 9 days. (:
i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited. i'll be 19 { getting old i know. } but i'm having a birthday dinner & hitting the club after. so that should be fun; especially since i havent done that in a minute. as for this weekend i wanna go see ' the hangover ' . i'm tryna keep busy- school is keeping me busy, but i'm working on my personal life. i dont wanna be all upset & sad over irrelivant things. on that note, i'm out. i'll write later<3

wah yu fear; yu create.

this made me think- deep.

the beauty about MY life: i've had my ups & downs. nights where i cried alone w/. out a shoulder, but never have i been one to vent on others. i deal w/. my problems in my own way. because venting on my own has made me the strong & intelligiant woman i am today .. eyes wide open to the truth & my heart available to whoever deserves it. i've been hurt; deep, but it was a faze i overcame. a faze that didnt break me, but MADE me. i'm not weak. i'm not ignorant; i'm a lover. loves those who love me & still love those who dont. only i know who i am & wah i am about- it's my life. greatful i am still breathing .. to learn, cry, love, spazz, laugh, stumble & rise. to see my parents grow old, see my brothers grow older, & see who are true friends. expierence new & old feelings.

as i grow; i see wah i am worth. ima WOMAN at heart, mind, body, & soul. a woman willing to live & love unconditionally. 18 yrs & still striving, because i promise yu i will be someone who will live a luxurious, yet humble life. to treat those who loved me at my lowest. & die knowing i made my life. because throughout the pain & sorrow; i was to blame. we are wah we make of our desicions. we chose to stick w/. situations- so at the end of the night we need to take fault & just better it. whether it'll hurt us. we are in charge. & i've took charge & blame for EVERYTHING i've been through. & i am content :]

I WANT THESE!!

my mission is to find these.
& buy them, nowww :]

This ALWAYS makes me laughh..

mannn, finally blogging again. i've been caught up w/. school ( full time college girl ) & family birthdays & emergencies. as for now; everything is smooth, just in this moment, but nothing drastic has happened. feeling slightly overwhelmed & cornered. this fkn recession got me feeling tied-up. & school isnt helping w/. all the fee's i gotta pay & books i gotta buy. & once again while the FKN asians are driving their fancy cars & taking fasfa money they don't need; i am left to apply & pray for the best. smfh! i am doing Yoga though. & believe me it's very very helpfull. :) iLoveIt. uhmm, let me think .. i believe i dont got much more to say so i'll end it here.


it's friday. && i got no plans; so let me see wahs up w/. other :]
have a good & safe weekend.

college.

is greaatt :]
i enjoy it. not only because me & jasmin got the same exact classes. but because i fell in love w|. this annoymous boy. sheesh! he has the most beautiful smile. & these killer juicy lips. aaahh! lmao. mkay i'll stop there.


uhh, life is good. been w|. jasmin all week. single & happy. no stress. my Vixen mamas are becoming famous. & all kind of dodo mamas tryna get added on, but i am so special i got ASKED to be on Vixens. & i dont regret it. i love them like sisters. :*

that's it for now.
i'll write later.

the loves of my life. my pride & joy. the 3 most wonderful men in life life; my brothers. thanks to them, i am NOT the woman niggas talk down on. i am the typa woman to tell yu the truth & mean it from the heart. take actions because i want to; not have to. & loves those who earn it. & most importantly respect myself. because never will i be the sideline or slut most niggas fk w|. i am a woman of my words. & a woman of my action. i chose to live my life. not forced to put on a persona.

L O V E;

so lately, i've been thinking. . .
i wonder if i'll ever love again? the way i did years ago. when i loved fiercly; blindly. when my heart would beat unconditionally. where my heart would smile w|. his smile. where my heart would cry- where i would cry. not because i hurt, but because ALL the words i spoke & all the emotions were meant, HEART FELT. i've been through sooo much. so many niggas had fkd w|. my heart, my emotions, ME. i just hope i can love again.

_unconditionaly.
_lively.
_fiercly.
_h e a r t f e l t.

erase. delete;

i now know how to erase people from my life.
before it was sssoooo hard, but now i am content(:
niggas wanna play games & at the end it ain't MY loss.
but theirs; so good job yu FagNutts.

& i am happy cause i could go back & delete all
the sappy ish i wrote about them.

anywaaayyyssssssssss-
i've been doing good.
no worries.
no problems.
& N O S T R E S S for once.
it feels good to live.

live by it-

Be careful if you make a woman cry , for God counts every one of her tears . The woman came out of a man’s rib , not from his feet to be walked on , not from his head to be superior , but from the side to be equal , under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved .



( self-explanitory ]

straightOUT H A P P Y:

yesturday was denis' 3rd birthday.
his spoiled self got MaddedO9 for psp.
(yess! i bought it.)

life is going good.
smooth.
& just plane our great.

i am thankful i made it to another year.
& hope to finish this year off alive &
continue many more :)